Coach and player ratings

[Zippy]

Carlton wrote a funny and depressing player review at the start of the season. I think, given our recent form, we deserve a similar review.

St Kilda Coach/Player Review: Mid-2008:

Head Coach: Ross Lyon - has achieved what many in the industry thought was impossible, by making Grant Thomas look like a tactical genius.
Forwards coach: John Barker - took charge of one of the most potent forward lines in the league. Is currently trying to figure out how to scrape together ten goals a game.
Midfield Coach: Anthony Rock - some midfields are tough, and let down by pace. Some midfields are pacey, but not tough enough. He has achieved a rare double - a midfield that lacks both pace and toughness.
Defence coach: Stephen Silvagni - has it easier than the other coaches, because most of the time the entire midfield and forward line are also in the defensive 50.

Players:

Robert Harvey - true champion of the game, who has played until 37 to achieve that elusive flag. Is currently undergoing medical assessment to see if he'll be able to last until 57.
Luke Ball - Recovering well from injury - can now kick a full 30 metres.
Nick Dal Santo - so scared of contact he's developed the best evasive skills in the AFL.
Leigh Montagna - has lifted his hard ball get average to one per season.
Aaron Fiora - kept on the list because he's the only player in the AFL who can make Montagna look tough.
Lenny Hayes - toughest midfielder on the list, as he proved by playing out a game with a season-ending knee injury. This also demonstrates his lack of intelligence.
Leigh Fisher - last had a kick on target in 2005.
Jason Blake - has never had a kick on target.
Sean Dempster - introduced by Ross Lyon because we didn't have enough bad kicks on the list.
Adam Schneider - introduced by Ross Lyon because we didn't have enough soft frontrunners on the list.
Clinton Jones - drafted to make Blake and Dempster look like good kicks by comparison.
Stephen King - fulfilling the grand tradition of saints ruckmen by being past his prime and injury-struck.
Michael Gardiner - has started to play well since we found him some good local dealers.
Jason Gram - people have stopped asking whether he's worthy to wear Trevor Barker's old number. They're now asking whether he's worthy to wear Justin Peckett's old number.
Nick Reiwoldt - we've just discovered the reason he takes so many marks is that opposing coaches want him to take as many shots at goal as possible.
Stephen Milne - probably the dumbest small forward in the competition. And looking at competition like Jeff Farmer and Nick Davis, that's quite an achievement.
Fraser Gehrig - used to be the strongest player in the AFL. Lately, has been observed at training failing to outmuscle Jack Steven.
Justin Koschitske - used to be regarded as the next James Hird - the most talented and injury-prone player going around. Has shaken that tag, and is now only the most injury-prone player going around.
Brendon Goddard - is the only good long kick on the list. In accordance with Ross Lyon's philosophy of footskills being overrated, he is therefore positioned so that he can not kick the ball to our forward line.
Max hudghton - the AFL's leading spoiler. Although, to be fair to the other fullbacks out there, he gets a lot more chances to spoil than they do.
Matt Maguire - taking on Aaron Hamill's mantle as the most ineffectual "tough guy" in the comp. And Aaron Hamill's mantle as the most permanently injured player in the comp.
Sam Fisher - can rebound very nicely, so would be great value if he could actually stop a man.
James Gwilt - played a good game once in 2004. Is believed to be likely to play another good game in 2010.
Mathew Ferguson - an incredibly highly rated medium forward as a junior. Which is why we've spent the last five years trying to groom him as a 180cm key backman.
Stephen Baker - his career highlights include king-hitting Kane Johnson, breaking Jeff Farmer's nose, and kicking Steve Alessio. Hopes to have a highlight involving actual football at some point.

[saints11]

[quote="Zippy"]Carlton wrote a funny and depressing player review at the start of the season. I think, given our recent form, we deserve a similar review.

St Kilda Coach/Player Review: Mid-2008:

Head Coach: Ross Lyon - has achieved what many in the industry thought was impossible, by making Grant Thomas look like a tactical genius.
Forwards coach: John Barker - took charge of one of the most potent forward lines in the league. Is currently trying to figure out how to scrape together ten goals a game.
Midfield Coach: Anthony Rock - some midfields are tough, and let down by pace. Some midfields are pacey, but not tough enough. He has achieved a rare double - a midfield that lacks both pace and toughness.
Defence coach: Stephen Silvagni - has it easier than the other coaches, because most of the time the entire midfield and forward line are also in the defensive 50.

Players:


Leigh Montagna - has lifted his hard ball get average to one per season.

Are you serious!!!

[maverick]

Absolute gold

[fonz_#15]

its sad that alot of that is true

[dcstkfc]

very very funny

by the way was maverick a junior footballer at st.bedes-mentone?

[Dan Warna]

when zippy posts on the forum 99.9% probability its going to be funnier than Milney hitting someone and getting suspended for it, and more accurate than Gavin Dore measuring out a 50m penalty against st kilda.

[Batnoe]

I too think most of this is true a fair rap on where St.Kilda are at present.

Our membership base will not grow, if someone has never seen a game and they watch they saints they will barrack for another team!!

[mightysainters]

some key figures of ridicule missing ie.. raph clarke and x...
otherwise gold...
although you did say players they could loosely be classified as that...

[mightysainters]

Raph Clarke: good to see he has extinguished the stereotype that aboriginal players are quick, have good skills and can influence a match, with the only attribute he conceivably has is influencing a match by conceiding 6 goals a game....About as useful as Gehrig's and Lucas' right footy boot...

X Clarke: Gets talked up more than Courtney Johns and has had the same amount of output...

[The Doc]

X Clarke: Gets talked up more than Courtney Johns and has had the same amount of output...

Just watched the NAB Cup final again (wanted to see us play well and win a game) - X does/did actually add a fair bit to the team - breaking lines, receiving handballs, helping out in defence. Get his body right and he's important to our mix.

No time for Raph on this year's form though. Needs to step up - quickly.

[mightysainters]

agreed was going to write something about Alan Murrays preseason form... and has had about as much impact in the real season as Alan

[Saints in 20??]

Absolutely hilarious ratings, greatest post i've read.
Add a supporter rating perhaps.

Saints fans: Hopeful of a top two finish this year, now hoping for a top 8 finish. Disappointed in style of play, disappointed in all players except harvey, ball, hayes, max and sam fisher, disappointed in last 5 years of recruiting. Draeding next 10 years.

[WinnersOnly]

ZIPPY post of the year!

Absolutley brilliant stuff mate!

LYON should print thsi out and take it to one their meetings. It would cause plenty of laughter but hopefully have the team do some real appraisal of what they are delivering!

[samoht]

Biting but mostly true.

[Dan Warna]

anyone gots zippys preview post to saints v hawthorn from about 5 years ago?

legendary post that one.

goddard and ball not talking to each other because of a fight over lego

ah the innocence of youth

[saintjake]

LOL!!!!

I LOVE IT!

[Zippy]

anyone gots zippys preview post to saints v hawthorn from about 5 years ago?

legendary post that one.

goddard and ball not talking to each other because of a fight over lego

ah the innocence of youth

I'm truly flattered, but wish you'd post more of your humor - I love it.

Sadly, the post archive doesn't go back that far. And now that they're all grown up, do they still fight about lego? They should be mature enough to be fighting over girls by now.

[Stjohn]

"St Kilda Footballer's Diary", it was poure gold...

[perfectionist]

Seems to say all players are no good, which is incorrect. Only an opposition supporter would say that. Just half the team is no good, just like Carlton plus one.

[bigred]

Head Coach: Ross Lyon - has achieved what many in the industry thought was impossible, by making Grant Thomas look like a tactical genius.

Thats gold.

Absolute Gold.

[howlinwolf]

Some truth,
Some tears,
Some reality,
I'm a Sainter.
Mmmm
Good post Zippy.
The truth hurts doesn't it ?
Sometimes it's not hard to see why Bay13 has fun with us.
But just one day we'll rub their noses in it.
I just hope they still have the wheelchair access at the G so I can be there to see it !

[S.A Saint]

HAHA that is pure gold mate, especially the one about G-Train bit harsh though on the big fella. but post of the year still cant stop laughing haha